How To | THE ART OF HECKLING

The art of heckling isn’t one that should be ruined or made to look cheap by the thuggish hecklers.
It’s a special art on its own that shouldn’t be attempted if you aren’t knowledgeable enough.
It isn’t just about the shouting, the unsuccessful ad-libs, telling us your calendar events by shouting “I’M DEFINITELY COMING TO SEE THAT WHEN IT’S OUT’ and running of one’s tortilla filled mouth during the screening of a movie. So let’s check out the ABCs of it. Cos heckling is yeah hella fun…well when you’re the terrorist(heckler).

Wikipedia describes a heckler as : “a person who harasses and tries to disconcert others with questions, challenges, or gibes. Hecklers are often known to shout disparaging comments at a performance or event, or to interrupt set-piece speeches, with the intent of disturbing performers and/or participants.”

It’s easy. Let me spice up your movie going culture.✨

⇒ Pick your target victims(audience)

Are you going for the whole room which means you’ve got to shout a lot or you’re going for something smaller which is just the area you’re sitting in(friends and other unlucky strangers). I’m more of the small audience type tho. It’s more efficient and self pleasing when the ‘stranger chic’ beside you chuckles at one of your silent ad-libs leaving others to wonder how you’re litting her up. 😉 And well you’re conserving your energy by going with the area where you are seated.

⇒ You’ve got to be a Trailer panther

We always get to see a few trailers of upcoming movies before the real movie starts(could be sometimes annoying tho for the casual movie watchers). Sometimes they’re exclusives and sometimes they’re the same ones we’ve repeatedly seen over and over again on YouTube and across social media. So, you’ve got to be knowledgeable in this area; meaning seen quite a few trailers which had been released online days and weeks before.
As the first scene of a trailer pops up, you should be able to tell what movie it is. Then you give a light whisper of the name. Then later on during the short clip, you give a download of the whole history of whatever movie it is. Is it a franchise? Did a star from the movie just die? Hookups? Late night interview Funnies? And so on. And finally, you predict the fate of the movie. Another chance to show you’re knowledgeable. For a movie you think is going to be shitty, just say “FLOP!” for one you think is going to be successful, just put it in whatever way you want and do not give reasons! Your aim is not to be a parrot. You are here to talk in short sentences! We’re building here an efficient heckler, not some thuggish vagabond who won a ticket on radio or whatever giveaway.

⇒ You’ve got to be a Movie panther

Now the trailers are over, the movie starts. What’s next? enjoy the movie and do not disturb. HELL NOO!!!! This is your chance, this is the real something. Earlier part was just the foreplay, meaning how well you hit it there, decides how this part goes for you. It’s either they want you to keep talking cos you’ve done well or they are already praying to sango or whatever god they serve to shut you up. So, in this part you give information from old movies that’s related to this one. Also, you give information about the character a particular actor has played in an old movie that could be funny in this one and also sorta sorta related. It’s all about the humor baby!!!
Example: Daniel Kaluuya’s first scene comes up in Black panther. What do you do?
Your brain got to work in milliseconds. Oh, he appeared in one of the most successful movies last year titled Get Out. No, you don’t say that. No one wants to hear that while they’re currently holding a pee. You get creative. Both movies have this racial themes. So what do you do? I’m asking again. Well, I’ll give you an answer.
You could say “Our Boy has finally gotten out”. Creative, isn’t it? Thoughtful isn’t it? All these must happen in milliseconds cos you don’t know how long the scene is going to last. Or if the camera even lasts on his face. You could also say “our boy getting the really needed vacation/therapy journey…(pause)… Power of Vibranium!!!”
It’s easy isn’t it? Nooooooo!!!!! I lied.

⇒ Know the biography of the Actors and Actresses

Any of the cast boning each other in real life? Spit it out brother!!! Relationship status? Recent funny social media post? Recent TMZ drama?(oh no! only if you can say it in few words). And so on and so forth. Basically their lives in your head and spitting it out when need be is the goal here.
Does the name of Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s production company come up at the beginning of a movie? Well you know it’s his. Then his name follows as Starring Dwayne Johnson. You could say something like “man started that company with ex-wife” (pause) “they’re still running it together tho”. You don’t want to say too much things in seconds which is why pausing comes into play.

⇒ Be alert for Fake News

You need to know you’re not the only aspiring heckler in there so you’ve got to be alert at all times. Too much work right?
Some other Thuggish wannabe heckler gives a wrong information about a particular stuff, you want to be ready and alert to slap him back with the true facts. You know what I mean. You’re the source of knowledge here, you’re the god, the area you’ve chosen to terrorize is your heaven and must not be infested with fake news. Everything should go through you and by you.
After the first credit scene of a marvel movie, the thug says “that’s all, what a great movie”, you want to be alert to slap him back that there’d still be one more post credit scene in relation to the larger universe. You want to do this with all love and smile tho and not anger. Cos you know your stuffs. Be Cool.

⇒ Be a Dwayne Johnson

The stranger chic or your friend sitting beside you missed something that made people laugh or didn’t get an information. Do yourself good to know what it is. Meaning you’ve got to be hella attentive!!! You don’t want a situation where Ms. Chic misses an info (well she wasn’t paying attention, she’s an idiot). Then she asks you and you’ve no idea what was said or the joke. That’s hella bad and doesn’t do your experience and imaginary Vitae well. You don’t want to be saying “I didn’t hear that as well” whooooowww! That kills off all your earlier successful adlibs, jokes and humour heckling well. Meaning she can’t trust you with her life in a movie theater. Be your neighbor’s keeper and basically her ‘Cinema Dwayne Johnson’ (protective and funny) not her Kevin Hart(funny but doesn’t pay attention). She’s going to think your earlier disturbances made her miss an info/joke that was said 30mins later which is not so. Logic!!! She forgets automatically how cute they sounded when you said them. Well that’s girls (this is wkMu not Pink!, we won’t be going into that)

 ⇒ EXTRA TIP

After the movie, when the lights are gradually turning on, you shout a popular phrase or sentence or a recurring joke that was used quite a lot in the movie either by a group of people or the protagonist. Could also be one by the antagonist.
Example: “FOR WAKANDA!!!” with your arms crossed across your chest of course.

Now go forth into the world and be the best cinema heckler you can be. Sorry, there are no printable certificates.

Warning!!! Disclaimer!!! Your pretty face might attract quite a number of slaps and punches depending on how stupid you decide to be. Also, the number of shhhhhhhhhhh you get might be more than the amount you get in church from that sassy usher. SAY NO TO MOVIE HECKLERS!!!

Inspired by this sketch and a whole lot of other experience I had. I hope you enjoyed this. I had fun writing it.

Bis Bald!